Starting varsity Quarterback as a Junior and I take us all the way to States. \QB rating of 110. Masculine rating 1000.
Onyx’s “SLAM” comes out and I play it not only before every game, but during every game! A technique I use to this very day.
Junior year was also the year that Johnny Fitz said: “I dare you to sleep with Jessica Harmon (a renowned brown bagger)” And I was all “Fuck it, I’ll sleep with everyone! Is that what you want?!?” and Johnny was like “No, I didn’t say that at all. Let go of me!” And so it began. Did I sleep with everyone at my school? No. But did I sleep with 37 people regardless of their race, weight, or grooming habits. And it was fascinating. For example:
- Goth girls are wildly insecure once they take their make up off.
- Religious chicks are filthy. Good God. I like a good dirty talk session but there IS A LINE.
- Cheerleaders like to do something called “being on top” which is REALLY disconcerting. It’s like that scene in INCEPTION where the room turns up side down. It’s not fun when it’s happening to you…trust me.
- Theatre nerds are surprisingly not fun in the sack unless you’re role playing. Then they do accents and stuff and it’s really funny (“G’day gov’nah!” Ha ha. Who talks like that?!?).
- Freshman and Sophomores almost always cry. Like clockwork. Stick to 16 and up.
One of the best five years of my life. I was the undisputed king of football and in my school, being the starting quarterback meant you could start at anything. Really. Everyone just bent over backwards to make sure I was happy. So like, say I wanted to play varsity soccer for one game. They’d let me play, even though I insisted on using my hands. I’d just show up and play. In Student Government, I was elected president. I even did a couple of plays. I’d just show up the day of the performances and they put me in as the lead!
Here’s a snippet of the transcript from the production of OTHELLO I was in (I played the Parrot from Aladdin):
OTHELLO: Not I must be found: My parts, my title and my perfect soul. Shall manifest me rightly. Is it they?
IAGO: What? I don’t know… what’s going on…
OTHELLO: The servants of the duke, and my lieutenant. The goodness of the night upon you, friends! What is the news?
IAGO: This is so fuckin’ weird. Why are you talking like that?
Not bad Right!?! For no rehearsal.
Anyway this is what my life was like all the time! Plays, and parties, and people doing whatever I said I wanted. I was in three parades! I won State twice (How you ask? The game was so awesome, they made us re-anact it like those civil war guys). I was interviewed on the local news. My parents let me do whatever I wanted cause they knew holla dolla’s were on their way (Ergo, why my parents house has not one but three hot tubs). Girls came home from college just to bang me. They named a hot sauce after me. I was drafted by the Montreal Expos! I didn’t even play baseball! It was nuts.
Good year ladies and gents. But I know what you’re thinking. Is this guy just gonna coast his entire life and get everything he ever wanted all the time? No, dick, I faced some real adversity. What kind of an “autobiographical-blog-book thing and some day awesome biopic staring Daniel Day Lewis” would this be with out some real drama to over come?
College, at first was not easy. In fact you could say it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome. There was a lot of drama. And stakes. And lessons learned.
Just. You. Wait.
 Brown Bagger: A girl who’s face is not as desirable as the rest of her body, ergo, if you were to but put a brown bag over her face…you could still enjoy said girl’s other womanly parts (i.e. boobs).
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